Welcome to LZN's Blog!

• Existence Series (Part 1) | Eternal Recurrence: If your life ended right at this moment, would you choose to replay it?

  2025-12-02

  LZN

  thinking

  thinking

  1. Groundhog Day

  Have you seen the movie Groundhog Day?

  （—-Warning: Spoilers after the illustration—-）

  

  This 1993 film depicts an arrogant weather anchor named Phil, who becomes trapped in the small town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, on “Groundhog Day” (February 2nd). From the moment he wakes up at 6:00 AM, this day repeats infinitely; the calendar page never turns over.

  If it were you, how would you choose to spend a day that repeats infinitely, potentially for the rest of your existence?

  In the movie’s setting, Phil retains all his memories from previous loops. Therefore, he can accumulate experience and change his behavior: committing suicide, robbing banks, toying with the feelings of the female producer, and later learning piano, ice sculpting, saving people… Eventually, through love and acts of kindness, he escapes this death loop.

  Does this sound a bit like the Save/Load (S/L) mechanic often used when playing video games?

  Groundhog Day, the movie, uses the outer shell of a time loop to package the core of an American-style redemption drama—”You can become better, so you don’t have to repeat the past forever.”

  Of course, a series of literary and film works with similar settings followed, such as Tom Cruise’s Edge of Tomorrow in 2014, which vividly demonstrated the utility of the S/L mechanic. XD

  2. The Professor Went Mad

  In 1879, Switzerland, a professor at the University of Basel, only 35 years old, resigned from his teaching position and began to wander.

  This professor, presumably like Buffett, had earned enough money early on and resigned to enjoy life, right?

  Unfortunately, that was not the case. As sincere as Buffett is, he tirelessly mentions how lucky he is—a winner of the “ovarian lottery.”

  This professor resigned because he was plagued by health problems: migraines, eye ailments, chronic constipation and diarrhea, and gastrointestinal discomfort.

  He hoped that through long-term sojourning, he could find an environment that would alleviate his symptoms and maintain his health.

  Once this journey began, for this professor, it became a nomadic life that lasted for ten years.

  This period was the most painful decade for his body and soul, yet it was also the decade where his creativity was most vigorous and his thoughts most mature.

  Did this professor, in the end, cure his health problems through his travels?

  Ten years later, on January 3, 1889, in Turin, at Piazza Carlo Alberto.

  A coachman, because the horse pulling his carriage would not obey commands, raised his whip and lashed the horse viciously.

  The horse screamed in misery, suffering greatly; those who saw and heard it were heartbroken.

  Suddenly, from a street corner, a middle-aged man rushed forward, hugged the horse’s neck tightly, and wept uncontrollably, tears and mucus streaming down.

  While the coachman was astonished, this man—the resigned professor who had been wandering for ten years—suddenly lost his mind and collapsed.

  Passersby subsequently contacted the man’s landlord and together brought him back to his rented room on the third floor of a cheap apartment.

  In the following days, the professor was extremely manic and delusional, his mind drifting between clarity and chaos—he had gone completely mad.

  He frantically wrote dozens of extremely bizarre short notes, mailing them to friends, acquaintances, and even European royalty and celebrities.

  “I have been crucified… not on wood, but vividly among men…”

  The professor’s friend, Overbeck, rushed from Basel immediately after receiving a postcard.

  When Overbeck opened the door to the apartment room, he saw the professor dancing naked and shouting. He subsequently forcibly took him back to Switzerland and sent him to the Jena mental asylum.

  Thereafter, the professor never regained his sanity.

  This pitiful professor was none other than the famous German philosopher—Nietzsche.

  His early work, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, was initially self-published with only 40 copies, of which he barely managed to give away 7.

  Years after Nietzsche passed away, his thoughts became the epicenter of an earthquake in modern philosophy and the intellectual world, having a long-lasting and profound influence on philosophy, literature, psychology, art, and music to this day.

  

  3. Are You Happy?

  “Are you happy?” A friend suddenly asked these three words after listening to a bout of venting from Bookboy [the author].

  Am I happy? I froze there, at a loss.

  Not happy, of course not happy.

  At that specific moment in time, the most direct and decisive emotional reaction was very clear, without any stagnation or hesitation.

  But should I admit this to my friend right there? That I am always unhappy, that I have always been a pessimistic and negative person?

  It seemed there wasn’t a huge obstacle to admitting this to a friend.

  I identified that what made me pained and feel it was difficult lay in the fact that doing so meant admitting to myself, my own unhappiness.

  Immediately following that, what shocked me even more was that I had never asked myself such a simple yet soul-shaking question: am I happy or not?

  Looking back at the past, of course, there were joys and sorrows, but can I assert that the joys outweighed the worries? Oh, certainly not, happiness is fleeting; I am almost certain that for the majority of the time, I felt anxious, uneasy, exhausted, and tired.

  I held my chopsticks in my right hand, suspended in mid-air, staring at the plate of signature Wasabi Hand-shredded Chicken from Chen Gen Ji on the table covered with a disposable plastic sheet before me. My ears were filled with the noisy, boiling human voices of the Dai Pai Dong [open-air food stall]. My lips and teeth trembled slightly a few times, yet my brain could not form any complete sentences.

  “Not happy.” I said these two words quickly and softly, like blowing dust off the table—a bit awkward, yet a wave of relief washed over me.

  Immediately after, I threw the question back: Are you happy?

  I don’t remember my friend’s specific answer anymore. My impression is that he seemed to say he was calm and joyful; of course, there were hard and very hard times, but he would try his best to live well in the moment. Then he asked me, have you watched The Long Season?

  “Look forward, don’t look back.”

  I certainly know this point, but I do not accept it.

  Isn’t simply looking forward just avoiding facing one’s past and present? If one avoids it like this, isn’t that indifference and dereliction of duty toward one’s past life?

  But I am very certain, regarding such a simple three-word question, I can only give a firm “No” as an answer.

  So, friend reading this, are you happy?

  Have you ever sincerely looked into your own heart and gently asked yourself these three words: Am I happy?

  

  4. Eternal Recurrence

  Let us return to the theme of this article: If your life ended right at this moment, would you choose to replay it, or sleep forever? (Elaboration 1)

  This is not like using the S/L mechanic in a game, carrying your current cognition and memories back to 2010 when Bitcoin just emerged, where you could mine thousands of Bitcoins with just a laptop;

  This is also not about you being able to return to the college entrance exam hall, correcting the careless mistakes you once made, scoring ten more points, and stepping over the threshold of Tsinghua or Peking University.

  This is certainly not about you being able to reverse decisions that caused you infinite regret, rewriting the history of the life you have already forged.

  This is merely a repetition without change. Like starting from the beginning, replaying a song, or a movie.

  Accurately understanding this proposition is truly too important. So now, please allow Bookboy to become more long-winded; I will repeatedly interpret this profound philosophical proposition in a progressively layered manner, based on Elaboration 1.

  If your life ended right at this moment, and you had the right to choose: You could repeat your life in exactly the same form, from the moment you were born until today, until this very moment your life ends. Would you choose to replay it, or sleep forever? (Elaboration 2)

  If your life ended right at this moment, and you had the right to choose: You could, once again, without a hair’s breadth of difference, experience every moment of joy and pain in your life, every mistake once made, every achievement once gained, every act of kindness or harm you did to others, or every act of kindness or harm others did to you; you would smile again at every moment you laughed, and be stricken with grief at every painful hour; everything, everything, would be reenacted exactly as it was, without any change. Would you choose to replay it, or sleep forever? (Elaboration 3)

  This thought experiment is simply too profound. It is so profound it is uncomfortable, so profound it causes pain; it pokes directly at a person’s spine and lungs, even making many people feel nauseous and suffocated.

  How will you respond to this interrogation of the soul? This veritable, worthy-of-the-name interrogation of the soul?

  Clever as you are, you must have guessed it: the person who first proposed such a bizarre and tormenting question must be the mad philosopher Nietzsche.

  Nietzsche first proposed this idea during the second to third year of his travels, writing it into his book The Gay Science.

  Please allow Bookboy to quote, verbatim, the translation by Mr. Sun Zhouxing [or a standard English equivalent], placing this bone-deep interrogation of the soul below:

  The Greatest Weight.

  — What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence—even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!”

  — Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: “You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine.”

  If this thought gained possession of you, it would change you as you are or perhaps crush you. The question in each and every thing, “Do you desire this once more and innumerable times more?” would lie upon your actions as the greatest weight. Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?

  

  5. Not Necessary

  A few days after my friend left Hong Kong, I admitted to myself: I am not happy.

  I no longer pretend not to see the elephant in the room: My psychological baseline is pessimistic and negative.

  But how can I accept that this elephant is just there?

  Cruelly, I have glimpsed, and know for a fact, that there are many people who can be treated gently by life. I am truly so envious.

  Oh, I also once glimpsed, and from then on remembered, Nietzsche’s heart-tormenting, soul-torturing thought experiment.

  For a long time afterward, the philosophical proposition of Eternal Recurrence, like a cursed colossal iceberg, awoke from slumber and surfaced in my mind: it stood towering, it stood immovable.

  I am not happy, so why would I choose to replay my life?

  I am not happy; I “gnash my teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus.”

  But what I must continue to ask is, am I negating the entirety of my past life?

  Thinking deeply about this question, there seems to be no good answer. Bookboy found some appropriate opportunities to ask the people around.

  Interestingly, including Mushroom [Spouse], most people’s answer was negative.

  “Too tired, forget it.”

  “Replay completely? Then I can’t do Bitcoin, what’s the point of that, forget it, forget it.”

  “Too tired and bitter, not necessary.”

  Does everyone deny their whole life because of this? That’s too absolute, isn’t it?

  6. Better to Sleep Forever

  At the end of September this year, Bookboy and Mushroom went for a painless gastroscopy and colonoscopy together.

  In 2021, I had a painless gastroscopy, but I had no impression of it.

  The anesthesia process was just like deleting a segment of conscious time frames. The conscious experiences before and after were just spliced back together.

  But this time, the Propofol anesthesia for the colonoscopy/gastroscopy thoroughly gave Bookboy a “high.”

  Mushroom recorded my state upon waking up from anesthesia on video.

  Coming out of the endoscopy room, I was sleeping昏ly on the gurney, the pillow soaked with a large patch of saliva. Mushroom and the nurse tried to wake me up several times; after struggling to get up, I lay back down every time.

  I remember the last time I slept until I drooled was in 2023, the sleep that lasted 12 hours after finally recovering from COVID.

  During COVID, persistent tachycardia and panic attacks tortured me so much that I could only sleep two or three hours a day for a week straight.

  “You can’t sleep anymore!” The nurse came over and slapped my shoulder and back hard, pulling me up, making me sit up.

  I started speaking, my tongue not straightening out, slurring indistinctly; but inexplicably, I was very happy and joyful. After every sentence of “That was so awesome,” I would close my eyes and chuckle for a while.

  In the background of the video, someone said: “Like he’s drunk.”

  Bookboy still has a deep impression of that unique euphoria, as if different functional areas of the brain were all powerfully connected together—an incomparably smooth, relaxed, and lucid synesthetic experience.

  The fleeting glimpses of enlightenment in meditation are like twinkling meteors, vanishing in an instant; whereas waking up from Propofol was a dazzling display of fireworks and silver flowers.

  While admiring the fireworks in my mind, I suddenly pronounced judgment on the proposition of Eternal Recurrence: I do not want to experience my past life again, it was too hard, better to sleep forever.

  Once you stop struggling, you become relaxed.

  Deleting the space-time experience of consciousness—this is great. Death itself is nothing to be afraid of; eternal sleep is quite good!

  Buddhism says: birth, old age, sickness, and death are all suffering. Why is birth also considered suffering? Finally understood, living is also suffering.

  The Six Realms of Reincarnation are truly bitter.

  

  Because Propofol is milky white, it is also called the “Milk Needle.” Michael Jackson died from an overdose of Propofol injection.

  6. I Was Willing, and Will Be Willing

  [Note: The source text repeats the section number “6”, kept here for fidelity]

  At the end of October, Bookboy completed the most important and urgent to-do item on his life list.

  In the golden autumn of October, taking my parents to Hangzhou again.

  Why? For the simplest reason: on October 1st, 1999, National Day, at age 8, the family of three playing in Hangzhou is the happiest joint travel experience in Bookboy’s memory.

  Before that, few impressions; after that, the condition of “family of three + traveling + I am happy” was too harsh, couldn’t be found.

  Bookboy decided last year that while my parents’ mobility is still acceptable, I must draw this circle and complete the ritual.

  Too important, and also very urgent.

  The warming climate even became Bookboy’s helper, delaying the Osmanthus blooming period by nearly a month.

  October 1, 1999, Hangzhou, the fragrance of Osmanthus, nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape.

  October 30, 2025, Hangzhou, the fragrance of Osmanthus, nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape.

  For the past 26 years, I have liked the unique scent of Osmanthus so much.

  Searching high and low, longing in my heart, even for the faint fragrance of the Lingnan Four-Season Osmanthus in winter.

  The unique experience of the Osmanthus scent belongs only to me.

  

  In 1999, the state-run guesthouse at Xiaoying Alley where Bookboy and parents stayed has now become the sub-district party-mass service center.

  The day before coming to Hangzhou, with Mushroom, and parents, in Suzhou.

  Meeting parents, completing the ritual. Inside Bookboy, there were too many surging emotions, unable to be released. Late at night, Mushroom saw it; she caught that sorrow of Bookboy’s.

  Before falling asleep, waiting for clothes to dry; a close friend was in isolation in Guangzhou due to Chikungunya fever. We voice-chatted, discussing the proposition of Eternal Recurrence.

  Unexpectedly, this close friend gave this proposition an affirmative answer.

  He said, you go look at the night sky, you will definitely not stare at the pitch-black deep space without starlight.

  That profound, bottomless black is just the background setting off countless stars.

  And the life journey must have many brilliant moments, like stars twinkling in the night sky.

  Looking back at life, what you see must be the bright stars, and you won’t stare at the darkness of the background, right?

  Ha! How fortunate is Bookboy, to have a lover, to have a close friend!

  They caught the entangled emotions between me and my parents that were hard to speak of, hard to resolve.

  October 1, 1999, that little boy running to his heart’s content on the grass by West Lake, that little boy listening to his mom and dad chatting and laughing, that little boy staring wide-eyed at the toy airplane model, that little boy inhaling deeply to capture the fragrance of Osmanthus in the air.

  I go back and ask him, shall we replay life from zero to eight years old?

  Okay! Why not?

  The little boy, the little boy living in the moment, the little boy just experiencing the happy present. Then all the unknowns of the future are things that make him curious and are worth looking forward to.

  The so-called heart of a child.

  So, imagine on this day last year, this day the year before, this day three years ago… back until I have memories, on this day when I was three or four, constantly asking the self in history: are you willing to replay your life once?

  I was willing. In 1999, the me by West Lake was willing.

  What about the future? This day next year, this day the year after? Until the day I really leave this world?

  Why not strive so that when I really leave this world, I can have an answer different from now?

  Wow! Thinking of it this way, isn’t every day of the rest of my life a day earned for free to rewrite the history of this life?

  Suddenly it became clear! Wang Xiaobo said: “I didn’t come to this world to reproduce offspring. But to see how flowers bloom, how water flows. How the sun rises, and when the sunset falls. I live in this world, wanting nothing more than to understand some truths and encounter some interesting things.”

  Haha, so cool, why not? In the Korean drama My Liberation Notes, there is a line that is also very popular: “I don’t want to go to heaven after I die; I want to see heaven while I’m alive.”

  Replay this life—I was willing, and will be willing. So now, am I willing?

  

  (End)

  Read All

  ---

• 存在篇（一） | 永恒轮回：如果，你的生命，终止于此时此刻，你会选择重播它么？

  2025-11-26

  LZN

  thinking

  thinking

  一 土拨鼠之日

  你看过电影《土拨鼠之日》吗？

  （—-预警：插图后方剧透—-）

  

  这部1993年的电影，描述了一位自大的名叫菲尔的气象主播，他被困在宾州小城庞克苏托尼的“土拨鼠日”（2月2日），从凌晨6:00醒来开始，这一天，无限重复，日历牌永远都不会翻过去。

  如果是你，会选择如何度过，可能在你的余生中，都无限重复的一天？

  电影设定，菲尔可以保留他之前所有的记忆，因此他能累积经验，改变行为：自杀、抢银行、玩弄女主播感情，后来去学钢琴、做冰雕、救人……最终靠爱和向善的举动，逃出了这个死循环。

  听起来，是不是有点像玩游戏时，经常采用的Save/Load（存档/读档）大法？

  《土拨鼠之日》这部电影，用时间循环的外壳设定，包装了美国式救赎剧的核心——“你能变好，所以不必永远重复过去”

  当然，后来有一系列类似设定的文学和影视作品，比如2014年阿汤哥的《明日边缘》，更是淋漓尽致展现了S/L大法的妙用。XD

  二 教授疯了

  1879年，瑞士，有一位年仅35岁，巴塞尔大学的教授，辞掉了教职，开始四处流浪。

  这位教授，想必是像巴菲特一样，早早赚够了钱，就此辞职，享受生活了吧？

  很不幸，并非如此。诚恳如巴菲特，他始终不厌其烦地提及，自己是多么幸运，他是中了“卵巢彩票”的幸运儿。

  这位教授，之所以辞职，是因为备受健康问题困扰：偏头痛、眼疾、长期便秘腹泻、肠胃不适。

  他希望能够通过长期旅居，找到能缓解症状，让他维持健康状态的环境。

  而开启旅居后，对这位教授来说，就是长达十年的游牧式生活。

  这段时期，既是他身体与心灵最痛苦的十年，也是他创作最旺盛、思想最成熟的十年。

  这位教授，究竟最后，有没有靠旅居，治愈自己的健康问题呢？

  十年之后的1889年，1月3日，都灵，卡罗·阿尔贝托广场（Piazza Carlo Alberto）。

  一位赶车的车夫，因为拉车的马匹，不听指挥，扬起马鞭，狠狠抽打那匹马。

  马儿嘶声惨叫，痛苦不已，见者闻者，为之心碎。

  突然，街角处，一位中年男子，霍然冲上前去，紧紧抱住马的脖子，失声痛哭，涕泪横流。

  正在车夫诧异之际，这位男子——也就是已经旅居十年的辞职教授，突然神志不清，倒地不起。

  随后路人联系上这位男子的房东，一起将他带回其租住的廉价公寓三楼房间。

  接下来的数日间，教授极端躁狂、妄想，神智时而清醒，时而混沌——他彻底疯了。

  他疯狂地写下数十封极端怪诞的短笺，寄给朋友、熟人、甚至欧洲王室与名人。

  “我已经被钉死在十字架上了……但不是在木头上，而是活生生地被钉在人类中……”

  教授的朋友奥弗贝克（Overbeck），收到明信片后，立刻从巴塞尔赶来。

  当奥夫贝克打开公寓房间的门，只见教授赤身跳舞、大喊大叫，随后强行将他带回了瑞士，送往了耶拿精神病院。

  此后，教授再也没有恢复神智。

  这位可怜的教授，正是德国著名的哲学家——尼采。

  他的早期作品，《查拉图斯特拉如是说》，最初仅仅自费印了40本，勉强送出去7本。

  而在尼采离世多年后，他的思想，彻底成为了现代哲学和思想界的地震源，长期深远影响哲学、文学、心理学、艺术、音乐直至今日。

  

  三 你快乐吗

  “你快乐吗？”朋友听完书童的一段倾诉，突然问出这四个字。

  我快乐吗？我愣在那里，不知所措。

  不快乐，当然不快乐。

  彼时彼刻的当下，最直接和果断的情绪反应，非常明确，没有任何的滞涩和犹豫。

  可是我就此向朋友承认？我一直不快乐，我一直是个悲观和消极的人吗？

  似乎向朋友承认这点，也没有太大的障碍。

  我识别出，最让我痛苦和感到艰难的，在于这么做，意味着自己向自己承认，自己的不快乐。

  紧接着，让我更加震惊的是，我竟然从未问过自己，我快乐与否，这么简单却震慑人心的问题。

  回顾过往，当然是有喜有忧，但是我能断言快乐多过忧虑吗，哦当然不能，快乐是短暂易逝的；我几乎确信，大部分的时候，我都感到焦虑不安和辛苦疲惫。

  我右手拿着筷子，停在半空，盯着眼前铺着一次性塑料布的桌上，陈根记那一碟招牌Wasabi手撕鸡，耳畔充斥着大排档嘈杂鼎沸的人声。我唇齿微微颤动了几次，脑中却无法构成任何完整的句子。

  “不快乐。”我快速而轻声地说出这三个字，如同吹去桌面的浮尘，有些尴尬，却涌上一阵轻松。

  紧接着，我抛回问题，你快乐么？

  朋友具体的回答，我已经不记得了。印象中他似乎说，他是平静而喜悦的，当然有很难和太难的时候，但他会尽可能过好当下。随后问我，《漫长的季节》看了么？

  “向前看，别回头。”

  我当然知道这一点，但我并不接受。

  单纯向前看，岂不是回避面对自己的过去与现在？如果就此回避，岂不是对自己过往生命的漠视与失责？

  可是我很确信，针对如此简单的四字问题，我只能给出一个坚定的“否”作为答案。

  那么，读到这里的朋友，你快乐么？

  你可曾真诚地，望向自己的内心，轻轻地向自己，问出这四个字：我快乐么？

  

  四 永恒轮回

  让我们回到这篇文章的主题：如果，你的生命，终止于此时此刻，你会选择重播它，还是就此长眠？（阐述一）

  这并不是，你能够携带目前的认知与记忆，如同玩游戏S/L大法一般，回到2010年比特币刚刚问世，仅用一台笔记本电脑，就可以挖出数千枚比特币的岁月；

  这也不是，你能够重返高考考场，修正曾经马虎犯下的错误，多考十分，跨过清华北大的门槛。

  这更不是，你能扭转曾经让你无限懊悔的决定，改写你已然铸就的生命历史。

  这仅仅是无改变的重复。就像从头开始，重播一首歌，或者一部电影。

  准确理解这一命题，实在太过重要。那么现在，请允许书童，变得更啰嗦起来，我将以逐层递进的方式，在阐述一的基础上，反复诠释这一深刻的哲学命题。

  如果，你的生命，终止于此时此刻，你有选择权：你能够以完全相同的形式，重复你的一生，从你出生那一刻开始，直到今天，直到你生命终止的此时此刻。你会选择重播它，还是就此长眠？（阐述二）

  如果，你的生命，终止于此时此刻，你有选择权：你能够，再次分毫不差地，去经历生命中，每一个喜悦和痛苦的瞬间、曾犯下的每一个错误、曾取得的每一个成就、你曾对他人的每一个善举或伤害、抑或他人曾对你的每一个善举或伤害；你会在每一个笑过的时刻，再次展露笑颜，也会在每一个痛苦的时分，悲痛欲绝；一切一切，都将原封不动重演，不会有任何改变。你会选择重播它，还是就此长眠？（阐述三）

  这个思想实验，实在太过于深刻。它深刻到令人不适，深刻到让人痛楚，它直戳人的脊梁骨和肺管子，甚至让许多人，为之恶心，为之窒息。

  你将如何回应，这一灵魂拷问？这名副其实、实至名归的灵魂拷问？

  聪明如你，一定猜到了，最早提出如此古怪又令人煎熬的问题的人，一定是疯掉的大哲学家尼采了。

  尼采最早提出这个说法，是在其旅居的第二年到第三年，写入其著作《快乐的科学》一书当中。

  请允许书童，在此原封不动地，引用孙周兴先生的译本，把这一段刻骨铭心的灵魂拷问，放在下面：

  最大的重负。

  ——假如在某个白天或者某个黑夜，有个恶魔潜入你最孤独的寂寞中，并且对你说：“这种生活，如你目前正在经历、往日曾经度过的生活，就是你将来还不得不无数次重复的生活；其中决不会出现任何新鲜亮色，而每一种痛苦、每一种欢乐、每一个念头和叹息，以及你生命中所有无以言传的大大小小的事体，都必将在你身上重现，而且一切都是以相同的顺序排列着的——同样是这蜘蛛，同样是这树林间的月光，同样是这个时刻以及我自己。存在的永恒沙漏将不断地反复转动，而你与它相比，只不过是一粒微不足道的灰尘罢了！”

  ——那会怎么样呢？难道你没有受到沉重打击？难道你不会气得咬牙切齿，狠狠地诅咒这个如此胡说八道的恶魔吗？或者，你一度经历过一个非常的瞬间，那当儿，你也许会回答他：“你真是一个神，我从未听过如此神圣的道理！”

  假如那个想法控制了你，那它就会把你本身改造掉，也许会把你辗得粉碎。对你所做的每一件事，都有这样一个问题：“你还想要它，还要无数次吗？”这个问题作为最大的重负压在你的行动上面！或者，你又如何能善待自己和生活，不再要求比这种最后的永恒确认和保证更多的东西了呢？

  

  五 没必要吧

  朋友离港后的几天，我向自己承认了，我不快乐。

  我不再去假装看不到，房间里那头大象：我的心理基线，是悲观和消极的。

  可我怎样，才能接受，这头大象，就在那里呢？

  可残酷的是，我曾瞥见，也确然地知道，有很多人，是能够被生命，温柔以待的。我真的好羡慕啊。

  哦，我也曾偶尔瞥见，却从此记住，尼采这煎熬人心、折磨灵魂的思想实验。

  随后的很长一段时间，永恒轮回这一哲学命题，如同一座被诅咒的庞大冰山，从沉睡中苏醒，在脑海中浮现：它巍然屹立，它岿然不动。

  我不快乐，因此我何必选择重播一生。

  我不快乐，我“咬牙切齿，狠狠地诅咒这个如此胡说八道的恶魔”。

  可不得不继续追问的是，我是否在，否定自己过去的全部生活？

  深入思考这个问题，似乎没有很好的答案。书童找一些合适的时机，去询问周边的人。

  有趣的是，包括香菇在内，大多数人的答案，都是否定的。

  “太累了，算了。”

  “完全重播？那不没法搞比特币了，那有什么意思，算了算了。”

  “太累太苦了，没必要吧。”

  大家都因此否认自己的一生吗？太绝对了吧。

  六 不如长眠

  今年九月底，书童与香菇，一起去做了无痛肠胃镜检查。

  2021年，曾经做过无痛胃镜，但没什么印象。

  麻醉过程，只是像删减掉一段，有意识的时间帧。前后意识体验，被再拼接了起来而已。

  而这一次肠胃镜的丙泊酚麻醉，彻底让书童“爽”到了。

  香菇录像记录下了，我麻醉结束苏醒的状态。

  从内镜室出来，我昏睡在轮床上，枕头被唾液浸湿了一大片。香菇和护士，几次试图唤醒我，我艰难起身后，都重新躺了回去。

  记得自己上一次沉睡到流涎，已经是2023年，新冠终于康复，连续睡了12小时的那一觉。

  新冠期间，持续的心动过速和惊恐发作，把我折磨得连续一周里，每天只能睡两三小时。

  “不能再睡了！”护士过来用力拍我肩背，把我拉起来，让我必须起身坐着。

  我开始讲话，舌头捋不直，含混不清；但是却莫名地，非常开心和快乐。每讲一句“太爽了”，就要闭上眼睛，发笑一会儿。

  录像背景声里，有人说：“跟喝多了一样。”

  书童目前，依然印象深刻，那种独特的欣快感，犹如大脑不同功能脑区，全部强力连接到一起，一种无比舒畅、轻松、洞明的通感体验。

  冥想入定的吉光片羽，犹如流星闪烁，转瞬即逝；而丙泊酚苏醒后，则是一场异彩纷呈的火树银花。

  在我欣赏脑海里火树银花的同时，蓦地对永恒轮回的命题宣判：我不要再次经历自己过去的人生，太辛苦了，不如长眠。

  一旦不再纠结，人就轻松起来。

  删除意识的时空体验，这很好啊，死亡本身没什么好怕的，长眠挺好！

  佛家讲，生老病死，皆苦。为何生也算苦呢？终于懂了，生亦苦。

  六道轮回，实在是苦。

  

  因丙泊酚呈乳白色，又称牛奶针，迈克尔·杰克逊即因过量注射丙泊酚而死亡。

  六 我曾愿意，也将愿意

  十月底，书童完成了人生清单上，最重要和紧迫的待办事项。

  在金秋十月，带父母再去一趟杭州。

  为什么呢？再简单不过的原因，1999年10月1日国庆节，8岁，一家三口在杭州游玩，是书童印象中，自己最快乐的共同出游经历。

  此前，少有印象；此后的话，一家三口+出游+我快乐，条件过于苛刻，找不到。

  书童去年决定，在父母行动能力尚可的时候，我要画上这个圈，完成仪式。

  太重要，也很紧迫。

  变暖的气候，甚至成了书童的帮手，将桂花花期，推迟了近一月。

  1999年10月1日，杭州，桂花芬芳，躲无可躲，避无可避。

  2025年10月30日，杭州，桂花芬芳，躲无可躲，避无可避。

  过去26年里，我是那么喜欢，桂花独特的香气。

  寻寻觅觅，心心念念，哪怕岭南四季桂，在冬日里淡淡的芬芳。

  对桂花香气的独特体验，只属于我。

  

  1999年，书童和父母投宿的小营巷国营招待所，如今成了街道党群服务中心。

  来杭州前的一天，同香菇，还有父母，在苏州。

  面见父母，完成仪式。书童内心，有太多汹涌的情绪，无法释怀。深夜里，香菇看到了，她接住了书童那份感伤。

  入睡前，等待衣服烘干；挚友因基孔肯雅热，在广州隔离，我们语音，讨论永恒轮回的命题。

  意外的，挚友给了这个命题， 一个肯定的答案。

  他说，你去看夜空，绝不会盯着漆黑没有星光的深空。

  那种深邃无底的黑色，只是衬托无数星辰的背景。

  而生命历程，一定有很多，璀璨的瞬间，如同夜空中闪烁的星辰。

  回首生命，看到的一定是明亮的星辰，而不会盯着背景那片黑暗，对不对？

  哈！书童是何其有幸，有爱人，有挚友！

  他们承接住了，我与父母之间，难以言说、难以开解的纠缠情绪。

  1999年10月1日，那个在西湖边草地上尽情奔跑的小男孩，听着爸爸妈妈谈笑风生的小男孩，瞪大眼睛盯着玩具飞机模型的小男孩，用力吸气去捕捉空气中桂花芬芳的小男孩。

  我回去问他，我们重播一遍，零到八岁的生活，好吗？

  好呀！为什么不呢？

  小男孩，活在当下的小男孩，就体验快乐当下的小男孩。那么未来一切的未知，都是让他好奇而值得期待的。

  所谓赤子之心。

  那么，设想在去年今日、前年的今日、三年前今日……直到我有记忆起，三四岁那一年的今日，不断去追问历史中的自己，愿意重播一遍，你的一生吗？

  我曾愿意，1999年，西湖边的我，是愿意的。

  未来呢？明年的今日，后年的今日？直到，我真的离开这个世界的那一天？

  为何不去努力，让我真的离开这个世界的时候，能有一个，与现在不同的答案呢？

  哇！这么想，我的此生，往后的每一天，难道不是，白白赚来，让我改写此生历史的每一天？

  突然就通透了呢！王小波说：“我来这个世界，不是为了繁衍后代。而是来看花怎么开，水怎么流。太阳怎么升起，夕阳何时落下。我活在世上，无非想要明白些道理，遇见些有趣的事。”

  哈哈，太帅了，为何不呢？韩剧《我的解放日志》中，有一段台词也很火：“我不要死后再去天堂，我要活着见到天堂。”

  重播此生，我曾愿意，也将愿意。那么现在，我愿意吗？

  

  （完）

  Read All

  ---

• Earth: My Past 45 and a Half Years Have Been Relatively Peaceful, Until I Raised Humans for 8 Hours...

  2025-11-19

  LZN

  science

  thinking

  A while ago, Xianggu sent an interesting screenshot from Shutong:

  

  Today I saw an interesting post: Earth is 45 and a half years old this year. It started raising bacteria around age 7, started raising jellyfish at age 38, started raising dinosaurs 2 years ago, adopted humans at the pet market this morning, and has been raising them for 8 hours now.

  It’s really too interesting!

  Humans find it hard to imagine extremely large or tiny orders of magnitude in spatiotemporal scales, yet they can familiarly perceive the spatiotemporal scales in their own living physical environment.

  This is a very clever way of thinking, compressing Earth’s 4.54 billion years of grand geological time into our familiar 45.5 years, allowing us to instantly feel the long time scale of life’s evolution, as well as the brief moment of human history within it.

  Shutong and Gemini together further expanded this post, letting us once again intuitively feel the long journey of geological time scales and life’s evolution, as well as the rapid progress of human civilization.

  The following is co-created by Gemini and Shutong (can you find the AI’s hallucination errors?):

  🌍 Earth’s “Pet Diary” (Extended Version)

  Childhood and Youth: Bacteria and Green Plants

  Earth, I am 45 and a half years old this year.

  When I was about 7 years old (3.85 billion years ago), I started raising bacteria, but they were too quiet, I could hardly feel them.

  Probably from 11 and a half to 16 and a half years old (3.4-2.9 billion years ago), during my puberty, I suddenly discovered that among those boring little guys, there appeared a super lucky one (cyanobacteria).

  This guy opened two photoelectric processing plants (photosynthesis PS-I and PS-II systems), using readily available raw materials (water and CO2), to make compressed biscuits (glucose) and building materials for itself.

  Wow! This little guy, after making its own compressed biscuits and bricks, also gave me an unheard-of, unseen big gift—oxygen!

  

  Let me tell you, when I was little, the water in my belly (ocean) was all light green (ferrous ions).

  At first, I treated the cyanobacteria’s gift as a supplement and ate it for over a decade, and sure enough, my belly discharged reddish-brown poison (iron oxide precipitate) for over a decade.

  After that, I kept spraying the cyanobacteria’s gift as perfume. Look at my current aura (sky), crystal clear, deep blue; sun, moon, and stars, bright and brilliant.

  To tell you the truth, before I was 21 and a half years old (2.4 billion years), my skin was grayish and reddish (methane haze), and if you stood on my skin (land), you couldn’t see the starlight. I know you definitely wouldn’t like that.

  By the way, at 25 and a half years old (2 billion years ago), among these little guys, they “involved” to the level of endosymbiosis, and a super big workhorse (eukaryote) appeared. They fused together, transforming their bodies into complex big factories—headquarters (nucleus), power station (mitochondria), assembly line (endoplasmic reticulum system), and logistics network (cytoskeleton). I was amazed just looking at it!

  

  Later, when I was 35 and a half years old (1 billion years ago), these little workhorses upgraded to algae, giving me more oxygen gifts. By the time I was almost 41 (470 million years ago), they got bold enough to climb onto land, turning into mosses and green plants. They wove the first green hat for my bald rocky head, so I finally wasn’t so “bald,” but I always felt something wasn’t quite right?

  Middle Age Playmates: Animals and Dinosaurs

  I just watched myself getting greener and greener like this.

  Until the year I turned 38 (about 750 million years ago), finally, in my belly, the first batch of soft, drifting with the current strange workhorses (Ediacaran biota) appeared, followed by new workhorses that moved around—my raised “jellyfish” made their debut. Moving around, too interesting!

  To be honest, they looked a bit sloppy, but after all, they were my first batch of pets that moved on their own (animals), I cherished them very much.

  However, the real surprise happened shortly after I just celebrated my 40th birthday (about 540 million years ago).

  The water in my belly “bang” exploded!

  Suddenly, all kinds of bizarre, oddly skeletoned animals popped out in an instant (Cambrian explosion).

  This wave of pets was really different, with hard shells, eyes, legs, jaws, unseen and unheard-of.

  My belly finally turned from a quiet pond into a bustling “seafood market”!

  

  Two years ago, when I was 43 and a half, I adopted dinosaurs.

  They were really super cool, huge in size, I liked them very much, and if you could see them, you would definitely super super like them too.

  Unfortunately, 8 months ago (65 million years ago), when I took them for a walk, they collided with a huge rock flying head-on… too sad, I don’t want to tell you.

  

  Last Week: Homo Sapiens Ancestors

  After the dinosaur babies left, I was depressed for a long time.

  But then, a little over half a month ago (about 4 million years ago), I discovered your ancestors, some apes in the trees, actually knew that their reflection in the water was themselves (mirror test)!

  Don’t underestimate this self-awareness. You Homo sapiens before 1-2 years old, or elderly with Alzheimer’s, can’t even compare to them!

  A week ago (about 2 million years ago), I noticed your ancestors (Homo habilis/Homo erectus), climbed down from the trees.

  Not long after living on the ground, they could accurately throw stones from dozens of meters away, smashing the prey’s skull. I’ve never seen such dexterous animals!

  Even more incredible, three or four days ago (about 1 million years ago), they started playing with fire. Oh my, getting picky enough not to eat raw meat!

  

  I observed your ancestors for a week, it was really too interesting.

  At 4 AM this morning (about 91,000 years ago, based on Homo sapiens leaving Africa), I decided to officially “adopt” you Homo sapiens as my new pets!

  Up to now (noon 12 o’clock), I have raised you for exactly 8 hours.

  ⏳ The Suffocating Last 8 Hours

  You Homo sapiens, really make me suffocate. In the past eight hours, the new things you’ve tinkered with are really dazzling, a feast for the eyes, overwhelming. Let me enumerate your great achievements!

  4:00 AM (91,000 years ago): Adopted you Homo sapiens.

  5:50 AM (about 70,000 years ago): Almost 2 hours after coming home, you started chattering (language) very differently from other animals, passing oracles, reciting epic poems, gossiping about each other.

  8:30 AM (about 40,000 years ago): You graffitied (cave paintings) on cave walls.

  11:00 AM (about 11,000 years ago): An hour ago, you finally stopped running around (hunter-gatherer) on my skin, started growing food (agricultural revolution) yourselves, and had more and more babies.

  11:32 AM (about 5,300 years ago): 28 minutes ago, you invented strange symbols (writing). I took a closer look, couldn’t help but laugh and cry; what was once orally transmitted in babbling was lofty epic oracles; racking brains to design abstract symbols, actually used to record debts (Sumerian cuneiform account books), you guys are really unbearably vulgar.

  Just after learning to write and keep accounts, you discovered that high temperature can liquefy copper and tin, mix them and cool to shape (bronze smelting). Your imagination is really big, all kinds of bizarre, grotesque tools and weapons appeared. Even crossbows, such extremely exquisite components!

  11:43 AM (about 3,200 years ago): 17 minutes ago, bronze wasn’t enough, started smelting iron ore—yes, the “rust” I discharged when I was young. To be honest, this made me a bit itchy. You used this to make sharper farm tools and weapons.

  11:49 AM (about 1,920 years ago): 11 minutes ago, you got tired of carving on clay tablets and bamboo, a guy named “Cai Lun” improved papermaking. Now keeping accounts and gossiping are much more convenient.

  11:55 AM (about 900+ years ago): 5 minutes ago, not satisfied with messing around on land, using compass (my body’s magnetic field) to “calibrate” direction, started wandering around in my big belly (ocean).

  11:57 AM (about 570 years ago): 3 minutes ago, keeping accounts wasn’t enough, a guy named “Gutenberg” (inspired by Bi Sheng) invented movable type printing, started crazily “copying” their ideas.

  11:57:48 AM (about 416 years ago): 2 minutes and 12 seconds ago, they not only looked at each other, but started looking at me, even at the larger surroundings. A guy named “Galileo” made a telescope, started debunking their previous fantasies, and for the first time saw my “neighbors” in space.

  11:58:39 AM (about 1776, 81 seconds ago): Steam engine came out (Industrial Revolution), started crazily digging the skincare cream (coal) left for me by green plants that passed away in the past few decades.

  

  ⏱️ The Last “One Minute” ( ≈ 190 years)

  Now it’s noon 12 o’clock, please see how crazy you were at 11:59:

  11:59:14 AM (about 1880, 46 seconds ago): Tesla, Edison emerged among you, mastered electricity (Second Industrial Revolution), my night was lit up for the first time.

  11:59:36 AM (about 1950, 24 seconds ago): Computer! The machine you’re typing on now appeared! From then on, you had a thinking companion.

  11:59:40 AM (1961, about 20 seconds ago): Not long after making the computer, couldn’t wait to stuff yourselves into a metal can, for the first time breaking free from my aura gravity (entering Earth orbit).

  11:59:42 AM (1969, about 18 seconds ago), wow, ran to my neighbor’s (Moon) face and stepped a few footprints (successful moon landing).

  11:59:49 (about 1991, 11 seconds ago): You connected the computers together, called “Internet”.

  11:59:59 (2022 November, 1 second ago): ChatGPT appeared, your thinking companion, for the first time able to use your babbling to talk with you.

  12:00:00 (now): Right at this moment, Gemini and you, together completed this diary about “me”.

  

  Attachment: “Calibration Time”

  Earth Timeline Converter

  Earth 45.5 years old = 4.55 billion years

  1 metaphorical year = 100 million years

  1 metaphorical day ≈ 274,000 years

  1 metaphorical hour ≈ 11,415 years

  1 metaphorical minute ≈ 190 years

  1 metaphorical second ≈ 3.17 years

  (End)

  Read All

  ---